The Absence of Nextness
When I can’t find the word, I’m looking for, I like to invent my own. You’ll get to know that as you get to know me. Truth be told, I LOVE to invent words.
I’ve been noodling the absence of what to do next for a while. So, naturally, I did nothing. Instead, I focused on the other part of my life, work. I’m a bookkeeper. I love working with numbers. But this story isn’t about work. Although, avoidance in life can sometimes help find understanding in surprising ways.
As an artist, I’m still learning to embody identifying as an artist, not knowing what to do next can be crippling. Somehow, I knew I wasn’t blocked or stuck.
When I said I’d been noodling the absence of nextness, I think it all started at the beginning of this year.
Over the Christmas break, I had dyed some yardage, and I absolutely loved how the fabric turned out. 2 pieces in particular. I had scrunched 2 yards of Kona cotton and dyed them in golden yellow. The outcomes were amazing, but I love depth in colour and decided to over-dye using basic blue. I love contrast. For the over dying I flag folded one yard and accordion folded the other, with bulldog clips. I was so surprised when I rinsed out the fabric to see green. Of course, green, yellow and blue make green. I hadn’t considered that when I chose the blue and was delighted with the outcome.
I proudly hung the fabric on my design wall, where they still sit. Here’s where the not knowing what to do next came in. I’ve had some ideas, but ‘the idea’ that will jump me into action eludes me, 5 months later.
A little context about me. For most of my life I’ve operated on the premise of needing to know what comes next. I need to be prepared, just in case…..
The gift in this time, of staring at my design wall, every morning, wondering what to do with my cool dyed fabric, softly came to me about a month ago.
Presence.
In the absence of knowing what to do next, I found presence. What if it was okay not to know? What if I could just enjoy the fabric, as it is, for now?
Something I’ve learned in life is I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the destination. If I can only get there, or finish this, or heal that, then…
Art is teaching me it’s not about the destination; it’s about the process. And the process of dying this fabric has given me the gift of experiencing presence.